Personally, I think this dating game crap really sucks. The person I am communicating with has also been in the dating game and has similar issues with it all. It is not at all a game to me.
I am not depressed. Let me repeat… I am NOT depressed. I’m quite happy with who I perceive myself to be. Life for me (at least at the moment of this writing) is good. I want that to be known up front. This post is regarding two people that seem to have shared some commonality in experiences that have caused us both to have trust issues where promises are or have been made. Some of my comments have to do with past relationships. Married, or not. Promises were made and broken to such an extent that it caused emotional scars that I still deal with. Unfortunately for anyone that is or has considered a relationship with me, they still effect me to some extent.
This is an edited email back to a friend. Names have been changed… Ok.. No names. But, some things have been changed, added to, removed, etc… for the sake of …. well… me! Selfish, I know. Not really. I just prefer not to cause hurt. Maybe this can help someone else. Writing it helped me.
From what I read, it would appear that we have both suffered similar emotional trauma where it concerns the fear of being abandoned. I feel for you for that. I’ve healed a great deal but am by no means through healing. I deal with that pain often and it comes at me full guns from time to time without my being aware it is coming. It always seems to sneak up on me. Catches me off guard. Hits me low and hard when I least expect it.
I have found that it is those that you love most that hurt you the most. Anyone from family to spouse to lover that can manage to break your trust or leave you standing alone in such a way as to devastate you the most. That includes brothers, sisters, sons and daughters too in case there was any question. Anyone you feel close to. Most people would call it a “broken heart” and that may very well be a great description. No matter what you call it, it hurts and hurts deep.
Words have become very important to me. So much so that I sometimes think that I am hyper sensitive to them. I have also become very much aware of how those words differ in meaning in the minds and hearts of different people. Such statements as “I love you” or “I would never leave you” or “nothing could come between us” or “I would never let that happen” or “I can’t imagine a world without you in it” or “you are my soul-mate” or… well, you get the idea. All of this means less to me now.
The devastation comes when those words have been said and then later you get the other words. Some have given a description of this type following of statements as “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” That is where I am (continue to be) now it seems. I wait and sometimes now expect that other shoe. If it had happened only once I might not be so… shall we say… expecting. Those other words? Things like “I’ve given it a lot of thought.” That is a real lead in. How about… “I’ve grown past you.” Now is that a slap in the face. Then there is.. “I just feel you deserve better” or “I don’t want to hurt you” or “I’m just thinking of what’s best for you,” or… Oh well… I could go on and on. Almost always the one delivering this message is supposedly doing it in the best interest of me. Because they Care Soooo Much. Do I sound sarcastic?
Deep hurt is not something that goes away. I’m not sure it EVER goes away. A broken bone can heal. It even heals more strongly than the surrounding bone. Still, if someone dies and the bones are recovered, even thousands of years later, the broken bone portion will still be evident. The scar remains. Deep wounds of the heart are no different than deep wounds of the flesh. Scar tissue can repair the wound to the point that it can function, but, the wound will always be there. People have lost limbs and yet they can tell you that they can still feel like they have pain or cold or heat at the point where the limb no longer exists. I feel this way about my heart. Portions of my heart have been damaged, cut, even removed it feels like, yet the pains still remain from time to time. If a chill comes into my heart by way of hurtful words, even the portion of heart that no longer exists still feels.
Maybe I’m an enigma. I do feel that I am different. Yet I wonder about that sometimes. Is it that I am all that different or that I am just able to communicate how I feel. Maybe I’m alone in this. I don’t know. Maybe I feel too much, am too much, aware of pasts hurts, or maybe I just care too much. Sometimes I do wish I didn’t care as much as I do. It would certainly make life easier for me if I didn’t. I could be cold like some of the other people I know.
I care about a lot of things. I’m very passionate about life and living, loving and giving. I want very little. I dream big things. Not so much for my self as much as how it can be of benefit to others. How can I give more. How can I be more. How can I be of help more.
I think I lied in the previous paragraph. I do want very little in the way of “things” but I want it all where it concerns living. Where it concerns living and life…. I want it all.
In fact…. Maybe this is what I am talking about where life is concerned. You see… to me… living life has no meaning if it isn’t shared. What good is a monk who sits in a room being one with all things? To what end or what benefit is his existence? Simply being is of no benefit to anyone except to the “be-er.” While that in and of itself is a benefit (I guess), wouldn’t the “whole” be better served, exist in a better form, just be better, if that monk made some sort of difference? “Being” is a good thing. “Being” and doing is even better. Let me use water as an example. It is good to have still water. Sometimes that is. Still water, never moved, becomes stagnant and putrid. It must move to be of use. Even moving by evaporation is better than just not moving. You get the picture.
Now I’ve told you much more than I expected to. This may wind up being in one of my blogs. It is helping me to share it with someone. Why, because I feel you too share much of the same feelings. Many of the same hurts. Am I right?
Peace be to you.
Note to readers: I continue to grow and learn. They say (sometimes I hate “They”) that “experience is the best teacher, that “time heals all wounds,” that absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and on and on. There are cliché’s for everything. Fact is, we live and learn. I’m still in that process. Will be till I die just like you. Don’t go thinking you have a handle on something someone else doesn’t just because its you. Everyone goes through different situations. They may have similarities, but they are still different. The key is to continue learning. I learn from you. I hope you learn from me.